Monday August 10, 2020

Last night I performed a small meditation, nothing special - but enough to count. At some point during the following morning I decided to do it again, probably due to that I couldn’t sleep. This time it has been very surprising.

I suppose that most of the time I’ve been between alive-and-aware and dreaming state, coming and going back and forth. At some point I decided to try to roll out of my body - although now it isn’t clear why actually I’ve decided to do that. Perhaps it was a spontaneous initiative, but to be honest, I’m not sure. It seems that I spontaneously reminded myself of this idea and felt excited that I could try it out.

First I tried to roll out to the right side, i.e., toward the wall. I made it instantaneously (!), vividly and clearly feeling the sensation of movement, as though as I would roll out a few times. Soon I became aware of an odd discomfort: I’ve had difficulties to breathe, which I ascribed to the matter of the wall (I thought that perhaps it may be harder to breathe being inside the wall, therefore the sensation). As a result I’ve decided to roll out toward the opposite side. I’ve done that successfully also, although with another intriguing sensation which made me wondering whether I’ve dropped out of the bed or not. I wasn’t able to check it out.

At some further point (I don’t remember how long after the attempts described above) I saw a kind of a balustrade in front of me, with bright (probably white) wide stairs going down toward something resembling a beach, with a pier on the right. This was definitely a state between being awake and dreaming, because I’ve considered this a yet another chance to experiment with rolling out, or something like this - without questioning that this time I wasn’t in my bed anymore, but supposedly I was standing in front of this balustrade. When I’m thinking about it now it looks strange that during the experience I’ve considered it another chance to OoBE, but this has been exactly the case. I think that I was disheartened by the previous attempts because they haven’t lead me to any significant experience, just a vivid sensation of rolling, however intensively realistic and authentic, but nothing more, really, it has lead me nowhere. With this disheartening I’ve decided to try another time with the balustrade (probably I wanted to go through it like a ghost). Once I’ve made that decision I instantaneously found myself on the other side of it, which I considered a success. Although the situation was different this time, the accompanying feeling has been similar to how I felt during the previous rolling out. From this point I experienced the strangest and most interesting thing.

The moment I’ve found myself on the other side of the balustrade I was going down the stairs toward the pier, laughing with true joy and surprising candidness. This has not been triggered by a successful ‘OoBE-like’ experience with ‘crossing the balustrade barrier’, though - the ‘external’ observing part of me was aware that the reason I feel so sincerely happy that I want to laugh loudly, straight from he heart, was that ‘I’ve made it’ (I guess it was referring to the current lifetime) and that ‘It doesn’t count anymore’ (meaning: the whole aura of seriousness ceased now when I strongly know that all of that was nothing else but an illusion). The feeling resembled the one You feel once You realize that the dream You’ve just dreamed was indeed a sole dream, and all the related worries, all the burden, was not necessary, was not real in fact - that the real true life is again in front of Your eyes now, not then. It was such an intense relief and joy that once the observing part of me realized the underlying sense of it, it has strongly taken me over, moved me to tears, which I felt even a while after I became awake.

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