Friday October 30, 2015

Dear Evelyn.

An interesting thought crossed my mind... but to tell the story in its chronological order I will tell You from where it begins.

Regarding this lifetime I always had a sense that I have no idea how to manage it, how to make it out. I just didn’t felt mentally capable. I knew myself quite well but... or maybe this was the very reason I knew that I didn’t feel capable. For example, being an outsider (chronically shy and without a geolocation skills) I couldn’t imagine how I will handle high school (to which I needed to go by bus and not to be lost in the new, alien city). Let alone having a job, interacting with people, doing different things. Maybe it was a lack of self-confidence - because on the other side I knew I had been able to work at a school shop (which I can’t imagine to this day: how I did that? - but in fact I did).

So the essence is: I had that sense of not being able to manage life. All those normal, everyday things an average person does, plans, and achieves at some point. As You know, this is a pretty long story with many, many examples (like when I - I alone - went to a long trip by train, visiting two virtually new cities, or when I went to another town which was closer but still new - in order to go to some classes although I hadn’t been forced to do that... - it is still impressing to me). But to make a long story short: I had that sense.

And now, having that sense, my life went on somehow. I achieved many things, including high school, jobs... And what is interesting in this is that I have still that sense I don’t belong to all life-associated things and I don’t have proper skills to handle it.

But one thing has changed over the time. With this sense of not having necessary skills, I didn’t have expectations towards life either. I just did my things (my activities which all were my true and intense passion), but I didn’t expect anything I guess. For example I didn’t have dreams about the future I would experience in this lifetime (there is only one exception and it was the true love in a form of one particular person). I didn’t plan anything - although I sometimes tried to construct some “pointed” plans (like - for example - how would be the way to live and work in some new place - oh, at the time my mind did as it could but it all had been organized another way, completely unexpected). Yes, when I think about it now I again realize that most things in this lifetime, most circumstances have been organized by the higher intelligence, higher awareness. And I am very grateful for that because it carries a message for me: that I’m not alone here. The message I need to remember - especially when I feel alone, sad or lost.

So I said I didn’t have expectations. But this has changed when I experienced some hard time. I will put it that way: all of that boils down to the lack of basic needs fulfilled. And then I realized a strong desire emerging out of that discomfort. For example, I never knew how strong contrast You can have when You experience hunger, starving. How it could affect Your attitude towards food, towards eating. It’s a black humor because earlier in life I used to ate much. But although it was very pleasant - until today I didn’t know how much pleasant and worth it really is. So the hard experience gave me a new perception: when with the help of a contrast I became able to perceive things much deeper: their value. my taste - physical, mental and spiritual taste - have been significantly deepened. It just crossed my mind that it resembles the final metamorphosis of Bella in the Twilight a little bit ;) - when she also experienced deepened senses, which changed her life for ever. I feel similarly.

But I’m not quite sure today that I could say I have some expectations towards life. No, I believe I have not. But I do recognize that strong desire arising from lack and limitations, and discomfort of all sort. It also taught me more about myself - as a result of which I know myself much better now.

So in the essence the main difference could be presented that way: earlier on I didn’t have any interest in shaping circumstances - today I kinda have. “Kinda” - because still it is not a clear desire of change, but rather a sense of need to experience some particular “level”, a knowledge what I desire, what I deserve, what is my nature, what is necessary to create without distractions. What all the background means, so to speak. What functions it has. It has two: one - it can deliver freedom of distractions / or comfort, if You wish to put it that way. Two: it teaches You (for example: it verifies Your truths - what is really Your nature and what’s not).

Now I am close to my point. The point of this letter, Evelyn, is to let You know of one of my very recent discovery (or realization):

Although I experience so called “hard time” (sometimes starving, lack of energy, sometimes apathy, sometimes feeling low, etc., let alone not to have decent level of life) - on some level I feel wealthy. At that level I don’t feel any lack - I feel abundance. That’s why I’ve recently discovered much more proper wording for the description of myself: “a person of passion who lives on the sources of high excitement”. There are very intense sources of excitement in my life today - there are still present (some were already present before, some are new). And there is still clear passion “inside me”. Regardless of that “hard time”, regardless of limitations or possible discomfort, I am still able to feel strong passion, I still feel it very clearly, as though nothing else matters. It is kind of surprising, if not amazing for my mind, but this is how it is - and I can’t deny it. I’m pretty aware that the way I feel now (being engaged with my passion) is the same way I would feel in any better circumstances, leading any “better” life.

And in fact: could it be better - if the circumstances are only “the shell” (so to speak) and the true content of life is inside it? The better shell could give me more comfort and less distractions, but it usually don’t affect “the core values” - “the nut”.

It sometimes makes me wonder: was the high comfort (stereotypically defined by the mind) really supposed to matter for me? Was it supposed to play any key role on my path? I have some doubts when I observe myself and I’m aware that on the particular level (this one which is the most important for me) I feel the same. Of course I can’t do all I theoretically could - but it is a matter of “the local 100%”. “The local 100%” is the rule I keep in mind as often as possible - it follows like that:

What is not important is how many things You will achieve.
What is important is was it all You could do at the time?

When You live according to this rule - You are fulfilled in any circumstances, no matter how many things have been possible to achieve theoretically. You could only have one possible activity and still - when You made full of it - You are fulfilled, because You did all You could, all which was in Your power. So in fact there would be nothing more You could do.

Living with that rule can make anybody feel better because anybody can realize that it is not possible to achieve more in that case, even if You would have better possibilities (circumstances, level of life). It is never possible to be better than the local 100%. So living that way You can relax because the number of any possible things You could do regardless of circumstances doesn’t matter any more. It can’t play any important role when You can’t do more than Your local 100% anyway.

So maybe to experience wealth and high comfort is not supposed for me to experience - or it was never the case. I feel that I could have it - but still I feel that it is not the important thing, this “shell”. This is only a matter of how comfortable I would like “to sit”. Although I recognize the need to have a pretty good level of comfort, unfortunately it seems it is not necessary. But I still have a hope, especially because I feel excited about the possibility when I can achieve more - and when I can feel better. For example, being engaged in Your passion when the body is starving - although is quite possible (it is impressing for me, how much), when You leave Your activity, You feel exhausted. Sometimes You can even experience a particular unpleasant feeling when You discover thinking as a tiring thing, physically tiring. What an amazing discovery. I have never identified with this proverb (that “thinking is painful so it is better to be busy”). But the proverb has been used in other context than physical.

I would like to have better “shell”, but on the other side I know that limitations gave me the opportunity to be much more specific, much more clear, much more precise. Now my spiritual optics is of a much higher quality. Although I’m not a preacher of learning by pain. For me it is rather a question of directing attention toward a proper course. In order to correct Your course it could be useful to add some limitations. Like when the road is turning, You need to change the position of a steering wheel. If You don’t do that, You would go toward another direction which is in fact undesired by You. Or You could even experience landing off the road ;) . Fortunately we have “the GPS” from the higher plan.

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