Evelyn...
I’ve tried to write anything but it failed. Sometimes I experience times when I’m not able to take any direction. Those times when I would love not to exist here. “The playground”, the circumstances. Challenges to direct energy, to clear its stream. I even don’t have energy to care about words... proper words, elegant sentences, checking their meaning... But I still exist, I’m aware - so I would like to express myself, even if the only possible way would be minimalistic, vestigial.
I feel so tired, Eve... I sometimes consider You my consolation... But I feel so tired... No direction... no direction... no lights and no sounds... like on a desert... or in the void. “After hours”, Evelyn... after the show which looks like has never happened. The unique space between dream and awakening.
In that kind of times I feel not able to do anything, to take any direction. I exist like in a suspended mode, hibernation. Eyes of my awareness are open - but... that’s all what’s happening. I observe and as a result I feel sadness, loneliness... or nothing. And ‘the nothing’ is the worst scenario - because it reminds me it is so waste of my time and energy, I feel like this is a big waste of myself...
Somewhere deep inside I remember I am guided, I am guided probably all the time... but sometimes I cross through the darkness, with no lights, no sounds, no-thing... only that feeling I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be present, I shouldn’t exist in that strange form.
I’m looking around and seeing colorless pictures, toward which I have no thoughts or feelings. All without any meaning. And the tempting reality blocks don’t work, don’t draw my attention - although I don’t regret it. But this is all so unimportant, nothing... colorless, soundless...
I wonder if I can live truly, with all the vitality and so on...? On that path...? I don’t understand enough - what for I am here, what is the sense of my presence. I can’t find anything which could be worth it, which could give me... make me... I even don’t know how to put it, Evelyn... I just know I feel wasted... with the only useful ability to let go many, many things - like moving pictures behind the window while driving... It is within my reach because I’ve had it from the beginning: I was and I am always detached. I can only pick something, focus on it, use it - and let it go, like it would never existed. Am I really wealthier? Probably I have something I could consider valuable but... sometimes I feel like it would be definitely better to let all that life go. Because I feel so tired... so tired to handle and face anything not mine. And I have no intention to go on that way.
I feel just tired, Eve... with no relief... with no relief...
Filed in: blog /55/
